Wednesday, 7 August 2013
I'm going with 'no'.
Holy cow! I thought our comedians were diseases in suits. But after a few days sampling the archives of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and watching their oozing, semi-liquid hosts at work, I'm ready - as in so much else - to give the crown to Uncle Sam.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Now there's a couple of guys in the wrong job, huh?
I mean, I could maybe see them picking up a buck or two as marketing consultants, or Hollywood press agents, or some other form of satanic emissary. But comedians?
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that if you share their shrivelled, bat-blind, batshit, dreamy-dreamland worldview, it's going to make you feel all cosy inside to have your most illogical instincts massaged by a couple of smarmy pricks who know that so long as they start quietly and end up shouting, you're going to be thumping the air in agreement with them no matter what they're actually saying.
(And what are they actually saying, by the way? Who cares! They're on your side, and everyone agrees they're the most incisive thing out there, so [insert terrifying, sub-human whooping noise].)
So yes, I get it: it's your team, and you like to pretend you're a cultural minority and that the people who come out with this kind of stuff on the telly are brave and edgy, rather than the most predictable cowards this side of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights. Believe me: that bit I understand. They're your boys.
Really and truly and seriously? They actually make you laugh?
As in: ha ha? As in: that comment expressed an amusing idea in a clever and original way, and I was sufficiently unprepared for the likelihood of them saying it that I am going to respond instinctively and involuntarily to it by giving myself over to laughter?
As in: actually funny?
Because I've just been watching Colbert for about three hours straight now and I gotta tell ya, I've seen funnier orphanage fires.
Just imagine the strain for his audience, having to pretend not merely to be amused, but to be doubled-up with hilarity, to have to shriek with phony incontinent abandon, at every single thing he comes out with! They must ache when they get home. They must be so sore.
Or even worse: consider the possibility that these people - all of them, of course, free to vote, drive cars and even breed - really are amused by this kind of easy to write, easy to do, very, very basic comedic entertainment!
I swear to God, if Stephen Colbert ever makes me so much as smile, I'll bite my fingers off one at a time.